Ranks Revisited
by Clarenova
Summary: Even the upper ranks of the Long Patrol have been plauged by incidents of utter stupidity and humour. A collection (plotbunny-ish). Hare-lovers unite!


::Things:: 

Disclaimer: None of this is mine. 

A/N: Eheh. Sorry, but plot bunnies bite, lack of writing stirs the soul and plots need to be fleshed out. Re-reading Outcast does it to a person. Yes. Apologies to Cp. Sabretache, I never meant to hurt you. Much. Plotbunny, not meant to make much sense. 

* 

Sabretache looked at one of his lieutenants. 

'You've to be joking.' 

The lieutenant winced. When the captain's usual accent slipped out into proper English, one knew that he should run. Very quickly, and preferably in the opposite direction of the said captain. Shuffling slightly, the nervous hare, a good ten centimetres shorter than the taller Sabretache, tried to salvage the situation. 

'Well, sah, we ne'er intended for it to happen and all... 'Twas a bally mistake, I swear!' 

'A mistake?' 

Silence. 

'A _mistake?_' 

Sarown, the lieutenant, decided that he would sooner toss himself into the Dark Forest than have Sabretache do it for him. The captain was openly glowering now, eyes smouldering in a fashion the laconic hare usually reserved for war. An overly eloquent eyebrow was arched dangerously high, and Sarown began to feel more than a little desperate. 

'Yes, sah...' 

'Out. Get _out_.' 

Sarown was more than happy to scuttle out of Sabretache's rooms, nearly crying in relief. Sabretache was witty and pleasant enough to be around when he was in a good mood, and at the very least cordial when he was angry, but this... This bordered on Bloodwrath. The captain had looked ready enough to slaughter the lieutenant where he stood, and Sarown was glad he had not stayed long enough to discover whether there was any truth in the statement. 

* 

Colonel Sandgall drummed his fingers impatiently on the windowsill of his rooms. With Sunflash gone, the mountain was in desperate need for his guidance (and Sabretache's, though his protégé was oddly... missing), especially after all the losses they had suffered at the paws of Sixclaw. By Mossflower, _where_ on Salamandastron was the captain? 

The monocle shifted as Sandgall's eye twitched in annoyance. It was not like Sabretache to be sloppy or tardy, but this was ridiculous. He had been waiting for over an half-hour for his confounded protégé to turn up so that they could settle some outstanding issues but the captain had _still_ not turned out. 

The colonel was ready to go out and find Sabretache himself when the sounds of a door slamming met his ears. It had come from a good floor down, yet the sharp bang had resounded all the way up to the forge, where Sandgall was waiting. 

_Odd. Would have sworn that Sabretache's rooms were there...___

There was a sound of sharp voices coming up the staircase, and the flustered pattering of feet echoing next to stormy footsteps. The colonel heard the refined voice of the captain as clearly as if he were standing next to him. The normally composed captain seemed to be really very annoyed, and barking out several inventive curses at a number of hares. 

_'I do not care if you cads made a _simple_ mistake or if you did it on purpose, you *will* find it. And return it to me. Within the hour.'___

_'Sah, please, Sarown was only trying to sort out the bally armoury while you'n the colonel were away, and we never meant for your-'___

_'Find it. Now.'___

The pattering footsteps faded away, leaving Sandgall with the unmistakably sound of his protégé's gait as Sabretache strode towards the forge, and the door swung open predictably a few moments later. 

'Gods, what happened to you?' 

Sabretache sent his superior a glance that would have caused Salamandastron to re-erupt. Try as he might, the colonel had to stifle a gasp of laughter. Sabretache's paws had been completely blackened, and his face (when he had tried to wipe his eyes) had also been smeared. His (once) white officer tunic was... An undeterminably shade of grey. 

'I'll kill them all,' the enraged captain swore, sounding scarily serious. 

'What happened to you, laddie buck?' 

Sandgall knew the danger signs, all of them leading to the inevitable conclusion of some poor sod being pushed off the mountain in Sabretache's rage. The younger hare snorted, his features screwing up in anger. 

'Some foolish leveret replaced my sabre with some dirty rapier from the armoury after I sent it in for fixing, _by accident_ and no less. The hilt was covered with some soot, and the entire blade coated with _far too much_ oil, meant to loosen it in its sheathe. When I took it out, _this _happened.' 

Sandgall fought to keep his laughter back. 

'Do those fools know why I am called _Sabre_tache?' 

The colonel could not help but let a smile fly across his features. Sabretache scowled, plunging his paws into the tank of water that was kept around the forge for obvious purposes. 

'May I inquire as to what you find so funny, sah?' 

Sandgall handed over a sheathed blade. 

'I was keeping it for you.' 

Sabretache upended the tank on his senior. 

* 

'How was I to know that it was dye?!' 

'_Sabretache_, what bally inane thoughts are flyin' about in that noggin' of yours?! I swear, wot, you are _not_ going to see the new day.' 

'Sah, I thought it was oil. It's obviously some prank or another...' 

'Find them. Find them now. And make it painful. As painful as etiquette allows.' 

Silence. 

'Nevermind etiquette.' 

* 

Sunflash the Mace (or Farmer, however you want to look at it), strode back up the familiar route to his rooms. There were whispers all around him, and something that sounded like relieved sighs. 

_'Never thought the ol' chap'd be back soon enough.'___

_'The bally colonel's gone flippin' insane.'___

_'Tchah. 'Tis Sabretache 'm more worried about.'___

_'Can't say Sarown wasn't bally foolish to do what 'e did...'___

_'Bet the lad's regetting it now...'___

Frowning, the badger caught Sabretache by the shoulder as the captain came down with the colonel to greet him. 

'What's this I hear about Sarown? A lieutenant under you, if I am not mistaken?' 

Sunflash swore the smirk that Sabretache wore looked at least partially evil. 

'Nothing for you to be worried about, me lord. He's in the armoury if you want to find him.' 

* 

'Two-hunnerd and twenty...' 

'Two-hunnerd and twenty-one...' 

Sarown sighed. He would _never_ finish wiping down all the blades that had been tainted by the black dye that had somehow been spilt by some foolish hare. 

* 

Sunflash laughed to himself. Oh, he had never meant to have any of his hares upset by the dye he had spilt over the older section of the armoury, but those blades were in need of remodelling, and he had marked them down, some on the hilt, others on the blade, some all over, to make sure he did not miss any when he returned. But this was precious, really. 


End file.
